red_bus wrote:Seriously I am going to open an addiction clinic to help people addicted to shrink wrap.
Transcript from the
Acaeum
Shrink
Support and
Healing
After
Tearing Group or
ASSHAT
Red_Bus: My name is Red_Bus and I will be the group coordinator this afternoon. (friendly)
Group: Hi Red_Bus. (welcoming chorus)
Red_Bus: Today we have a new friend present in need of our support that only this group can provide.
Red_Bus: Smarmy, welcome to
ASSHAT. Why don't you introduce yourself to the group? (concerned)
Smarmy: Well, ok. But I really don't think I belong here. (annoyed)
Smarmy: Hello. (pause) My name is Smarmy and I'm addicted to shrink. (embarassed)
Group: Hi Smarmy. (welcoming chorus)
Red_Bus: Please tell us when you first realized you had a problem with shrink. Remember, you're among friends now and no one will judge you. (caring)
Smarmy: OK. It all started innocently enough and just seemed to spiral out of control.
Group: (nods)
Smarmy: Well, I was a casual buyer on Ebay. You know the usual stuff, a copy of A1 here, a little B4 now and again, and a G1-2-3 for those special occasions. As I said, no big deal. We all do it. (assertive)
Red_Bus: Yes. Go on, please. (caring)
Smarmy: Well, one day while perusing the
RPG category on Ebay, I noticed the gallery listing for a Dragonlance module that was particularly shiny. I thought to myself, "Here's another dolt who doesn't know how to work the flash on his digital camera." You know, I thought the image was overexposed. So what the heck, with nothing better to do and time to kill, I clicked on the link.
Group: (gasp from the back)
Red_Bus: Please everyone. Let's give Smarmy the respect he deserves for coming here today. Please go on. (caring)
Smarmy: As I said, I thought the picture was overexposed. Boy, was I wrong! Looking more closely at the listing and checking the image again, I realized that the DL10 was in shrink. It was the most pristine specimen I had ever seen and best of all, it was swaddled lovingly in beautiful, transparent shrink. (gleeful)
Smarmy: Come on guys! I hadn't seen one of those since I was in Junior High! Not in that condition anyway. You know what mystical, nostalgic power those things have. (excited)
Smarmy: At that moment, I realized I had to own it. Own it. Own it. Own it, whatever the cost. (manical)
Red_Bus: OK, Smarmy. Calm down. (concerned)
Group: (uncomfortable fidgeting)
Red_Bus: Please continue. (concerned)
Smarmy: Well, you guys can guess the rest. I put in a bid that guaranteed I would win. You know the type. The one that Deg... Can I mention names?
Red_Bus: Probaly best if you didn't. We're all friends here, but some of the Acaeum members have yet to find their way to
ASSHAT.
Smarmy: Anyway, I put in a bid that would give those exorbitant bidders the shakes. (calm)
Red_Bus: What happened next?
Smarmy: I won. (calm)
Red_Bus: And then?
Smarmy: Well for a few days, I was back to normal. You know because the guy had to ship it to me.
Group: (nods)
Smarmy: I even managed to score some fairly decent mods during the time I was waiting. Dude, I bought this awesome
H1 in VGC from some guy in the UK! (excited)
Red_Bus: Smarmy, that's a discussion for another group. Please stay on topic. (assertive)
Smarmy: Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, so for a few days I guess I was fine. Until IT arrived. (trembling)
Group: (worried)
Smarmy: Packaged for shipment like any other module, it was nestled in a poly bag surrounded by layers of cardboard. You know, to prevent bending and warping.
Group: (nods)
Smarmy: My god! It was one of the most breath taking sights of my existence - two layers of transparent rapture. The poly bag with its dull sheen and protective coat sheltering the gleaming, the shining, the beautiful shrink wrapped
DL 10. (joyful)
Smarmy: Oh, my Precious. We are reunited at long last. (starts to cry)
Red_Bus: Smarmy? (concerned)
Red_Bus: Smarmy? (concerned)
Smarmy: Yeah, I'm ok. Give me a sec. (pauses to wipe tears)
Group: (understanding looks)
Smarmy: Well... I think you guys know what happened next. I couldn't control the Shrink-Lust. If it was wrapped, I had to have it. If it was sealed, it must be mine. Day and night, all I could think about was "Shrink". Beautiful, transparent shrink. (excited)
Smarmy: Buy It Now and ebay auctions were my new best friend. Together we scored more and more shrink ... The only thing holding me back was when I bought from Canada and their damn, slow-as-Christmas "Canada Post" and all their little customs and duties forms. Bahhh! (angry)
Red_Bus: Smarmy! Canada Post is NOT the problem. You know what the problem is and we're here to help. (authoratative)
Smarmy: You're right as always, Red_Bus. (humbled)
Smarmy: OK. I have a problem so what can I do about it? (despondent)
Red_Bus: That's the first step, Smarmy. We're glad to have you with us. (pleased)
Group: (words of support)
Red_Bus In order to help break this addiction, you must first learn to cultivate an appreciation for the beauty that is already all around you. A near mint/mint module can be as aesthetically pleasing as a shrink wrapped one.
Smarmy: Really? (intrigued)
Red_Bus: Yes. Look at this mint copy of
T1-4. (He lifts a module from the table.)
Red_Bus: No spine damage. No cover wear. The maps are included. And best of all, you can flip through this book and actually read it and enjoy it. With shrink, you can't do that. (paternalistic)
Group: (from the back... Amen. Tell him, brother!)
Red_Bus: Settle down, people. I think he's getting the message.
Red_Bus: Smarmy, please take a closer look and see what I mean. (passes the module to Smarmy)
Smarmy: (takes it cautiously)
Smarmy: Wow! I've never seen one in such good shape. (Examining exterior and spine.)
Red_Bus Ok. Now give it back before it gets damaged. (a little huffy)
Smarmy: Ok Dude. Calm down. I was just looking. Don't get your panties in a wad. Here you go. (hands it back)
Group: (titters)
Red_Bus: Sorry. Where was I? (regains composure)
Red_Bus: Yes... Now that you understand beauty can exist alongside and more importantly outside of shrink, we are ready for the next step. (caring)
Smarmy: Really? That was fast. I think I can handle this program. (positive)
Red_Bus: Smarmy, for your sake, I hope so. (concerned)
Smarmy: Me too. (positive)
Red_Bus (raises a shrink wrapped X4 from the table)
Group: (cries of delight)
Smarmy: Hey, that's a nice copy. May I hold it? (respectful)
Red_Bus: Certainly, Smarmy. Here you go. (tears the shrink off and passes it over.)
Group: (gasps of shock and terror)
Smarmy: What the hell, Dude?!? Are you crazy? (angry)
Red_Bus: No I am not. See it is evey bit as beautiful as when it was trapped in the shrink. And now, I have freed it from the tyranny of the plastic for us all to enjoy, especially for you and the other members of this group. (assertive)
Smarmy: (stunned)
Red_Bus: Smarmy? (caring)
Smarmy: (still stunned)
Red_Bus: Smarmy? (caring)
Smarmy: You guys are a bunch of asshats, and I'm getting out of here. (worried)
Red_Bus: Smarmy, you know that's not possible. Not just yet. (concerned)
Smarmy: Oh yeah. Try to stop me and I'm taking this with me. (gathers the bits of shrink from the floor.)
Red_Bus: Smarmy, please return to your seat. (authoritative)
Smarmy: You're the one that needs help! Not me! How could you do that to the defenseless shrink? It never did you any harm! (shouting)
Red_Bus: Smarmy, calm down. (authoritative)
Smarmy: You calm down! I'm out of here! (shouting)
Group: (pleas to return to seat)
Red_Bus: Smarmy, last chance. Please sit down. (authoritative)
Smarmy: (heads towards the door)
Red_Bus: Ok.. You forced my hand.... (resigned)
Red_Bus: We've got a Code Red in the
ASSHAT group. Send in the M-Bag. (a little too happy)
Smarmy: No. No. Anything but the M-Bag. (shocked)
Red_Bus: I warned you. (resigned)
Group: (crying)
Smarmy: You'll never keep me down! I'll be back! Just you wait! I'll make you (muffled sounds as the M-Bag is thrown over the raging Shrink addict)
Group: (crying)
Smarmy: (carried from the room in the M-Bag)
Red_Bus: (regains composure)
Red_Bus: Sorry about that little display, folks. Unfortunately, it happens sometimes. (apologetic)
Red_Bus: Ok. Who wants to go next? (caring)

Hello Mrs. Cleaver, Theodore.
Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ... That certainly is a lovely dress.