Creature Feature
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Long-Winded Collector
Acaeum Donor

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Joined: Feb 23, 2005
Last Visit: Jan 17, 2021

Post Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:36 pm 
 

Wonderful, Frank.  Just what I was hoping for.   :D  :D  :D


Let mirth prevail!

  

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Prolific Collector

Posts: 772
Joined: Feb 21, 2003
Last Visit: Jun 22, 2018
Location: Spokane, WA

Post Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:53 pm 
 

smarmy1 wrote:According to Vorlontay and Clarkie, these beasts are best left to the experts and should be avoided at all costs.


That's it...you used my handle name....I'm gonna sue ya now!  :lol:

Excellent undead addition to the MM pool


"Ah, you seek meaning? Then listen to the music, not the song."

"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

  

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Verbose Collector

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Location: Huntsville, Ala.

Post Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 3:39 pm 
 

Creature Feature:

Art Historian (professio philologus dolor)
Frequency: Rare (Red States), Common (Blue States & Europe)
No. Appearing: 1-2
Armor Class: 10
Move: 1" normal (see special defenses)
Hit Dice: 1/2
% in Lair: 50%
Treasure Type: Varies
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: Insanity
Special Attacks: Babbling
Special Defenses: "Pass without Trace"
Magic Resistance:  Unknown
Intelligence:  High (unless fair-haired)
Alignment: Chaotic Good with Lawful Tendencies
Size: S-M
Psionic Ability:  Augury

Typically seen in its female form, these creatures are the bizarre offspring of insane, drunken baby-boomers (cf) who've exhausted every copper piece ever earned or collected.  The result of this unsightly union is a Druid-like humanoid with a delusional fixation on the vagaries of artistic expression.  The most common Art Historians are drawn to paintings, including baroque, cubism, expressionism, impressionism, realism, early Macedonian, Orphism (cf. orgasm), pluralism, surrealism and tachism.  Art Historians are also obsessed with other forms of artistic expression, including ceramics, pottery, sculptures, architecture, and orthodenture.

The Art Historian will possess extensive knowledge about the history of her own kingdom, and the history of "The Continent" in general.  Her opinions regarding the politics and geography of the various lands will be wide-ranging and completely contradictory.  Endowed with a vast vocabulary, she will speak Common, Elfish, Chaotic and Esperanto, at a minimum.  She will also be well-versed in an otherwise unknown tongue referred to as Latin.

The Art Historian will often be seen with 1-4 (d4) creatures that include relapsed hippies, elves, slackers, emos, sprites (cf) and bail bondsmen.  Aside from the Sprite, only the bail bondsman poses any sort of threat, usually by dagger.

The Art Historian exhibits astonishing resiliency in combat situations.  Anecdotes tell of Art Historians meandering peacefully through a melee of fasting barbarians and rabies-infected orcs.  In fact, the Art Historian can cast a "Pass without Trace" spell upon herself and her 1-4 followers once per day.  She was once described by the gods as a person "who walks about as though in a fog, while nothing untoward ever happens to threaten her."  Revitalization of her spell requires 8 hours rest, a cup of green tea, and a Vegan breakfast.  She can also identify plants, animals, and pure water as per a 3rd level druid.

The lair of the Art Historian may be a small shoppe located in an out-of-the-way alley in a large city, or in a small grove recently abandoned by elves.  The skillful PC may lure the Art Historian from her lair by reading from Gabriela Siracusano's El Poder de los colores. De lo material a lo simbólico en las prácticas culturales andinas, Siglos XVI-XVIII.  When recitation begins, the Art Historian will follow as if in a trance, leaving her lair open for plunder.

Treasure type is dependent upon the DM.  Some Art Historians have been known to possess pieces of art worth thousands of gold pieces.  Most, however, will only have a few silver pieces and a sentimental piece of art work in their possession: a common example of the latter is an ankh cross that would garner 1-10 gp at bazaar.

An Art Historian can be a unique, oracle-like source of knowledge for the adventurer seeking knowledge.  Her knowledge is gleaned directly from the ritualistic study of art.  The adventurer should be prepared to present a piece of artwork for her to "appraise" while she helps him solve his mystery.  However, the adventurer will immediately incur the wrath of the Art Historian should he present her with an art form she deems "unworthy".  Passions run deep among Art Historians for certain types of paintings.  Centuries ago, before the great war, a rogue fighter attempted to solicit an Art Historian's help by presenting her with an impressionist painting.  He suffered her most deadly form of attack: speech.

The Art Historian attacks by babbling quickly and incessantly.  The PC will be overwhelmed with a rapid-fire repetition of terms like composition, texture, proportion, balance, scale, contrast, stylistic category, iconography, and provenance.  Any PC subjected to such an attack must make a system shock survival roll in order to escape with his sanity intact.  Good-aligned Elves are immune to the Art Historian.

A common way to remove the threat posed by Art Historians is by turning, as per a cleric against the undead.  Fortunately, turning an Art Historian does not require a cleric.  On the downside, however, it does require possession of key artifacts, including -- but not limited to -- "artwork" by Norman Rockwell or Thomas Kinkade.  The most effective means, however, of turning an Art Historian, is paying her for the pizza.


"Not all those who wander are lost." ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

  
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