Creature Feature
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Verbose Collector

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Post Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 8:04 pm 
 

- Cougar it is. I can't call him CougarRetard, however, that was the pet name I assigned him some years back.

from scientific naming felis concolor etardicus??

  

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Post Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 8:42 pm 
 

Not quite satisfied with this one, but I have two huge Cisco tests this week, so I'm a bit distracted. As always, feel free to offer suggestions, improvements, or to bash it in general.



Cougarrinard (Felinus Scumbagus)
Frequency: Unique
No. Appearing: 1
Armor Class: 6
Move: 12"
Hit Dice: 2
% in Lair: See Below
Treasure Type: C
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 0
Special Attacks: Handling Screw, Overstate Condition, Feedback Whine, M-bag Bash
Special Defenses: Negative Feedback, Persecution, Mutual Withdrawal
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Neutral
Size: M
Psionic Ability: None
Attack/Defense Modes: Nil/Nil

The Cougarrinard is a solitary creature; it has never been sighted, and all information about the beast has been accumulated by individuals who have observed or experienced its assaults. Victims are almost exclusively hunted in the land of eBay, though the creature does not reside there. It culls the weaker creatures from the vast roaming herds found there, and uses its devastating abilities to subdue its prey. Over the years it has assumed a legendary status; other names for the beast include CougarRetard, Cougie, and Shithead.
The Cougarrinard begins its hunt for prey by seeding the grounds of eBay with hundreds of RPG auctions. These are poorly described, and are encahnted by the Cougarrinard using its Overstate Condition ability. Unwary bidders are usually lured into a false sense of security by the shiny coating the beast uses on its auctions. It bathes the auctions in a Titanium liquid, exuded from the creature's skin, until the auction is fully enveloped.
Once a victim has taken the bait, the CougarRetard springs into action. It begins by attacking with its Handling Screw ability, hammering its prey with unreasonable fees. The victim is stunned for 1-4 days (save vs. poison at -4 to avoid).
After the victim is stunned, the Cougarrinard begins a loud, high-pitched screeching, known as the Feedback Whine, in an attempt to drain life from the victim. This attack can be negated if the prey leaves a Positive Feedback at the site of the auction. Caution should be used, however, as this serves to increase the Cougarrinard's permanent hit points by 1 for every Positive Feedback left.
Should the victim attempt to combat the Cougarrinard, it activates one or both of its defenses. Persecution is an ability which allows the Cougarrinard to barrage its attacker with a stream of nonsensical e-mails in an attempt to overwhelm the attacker. This ability is occasionally used offensively, in tandem with the Feedback Whine; however, the Cougarrinard usually reserves it for defense.
As a last resort, the Cougarrinard will strike at its attacker with its Negative Feedback ability, stripping 1 hit point from the attacker. This ability, however, carries risks for the creature, as it temporarily infuses the target with the very same ability. If the target attacks the Cougarrinard with this ability, it will immediately cringe and behave in an otherwise cowardly fashion. At this point, it will attempt to use Mutual Withdrawal. This allows the Cougarrinard and its attacker to negate the effects of the Negative Feedback attacks.
The last unique ability the creature possesses is the M-Bag Bash. This is used to obtain items for its auction traps. When the creature encounters an auction of size L or greater, it will seize it and attemt to steal it from its possessor using this ability. If it is successful, it breaks the auction into smaller portions, which it then uses to bait its traps.
No information is available concerning the creature's social habits, nor the amount of time it spends in its lair, as no one has ever approached it in its stronghold. Reproductive information is also unavailable; however, speculations exist as to the possibility that the creature is asexual, existing only to feed and pursue its goals. The scholar Bclarkie, having done extensive research on the Cougarrinard, has provided information hinting that the creature desires to replace its Titanium exoskeleton with a Ruby-Encrusted Platinum one. Proof of this has, unfortunately, eluded adventurers to this day.


If you hit a Rowsdower, you get to keep it.

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Post Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 9:15 pm 
 

- Not quite satisfied with this one
-
- Once a victim has taken the bait, the CougarRetard springs into action. It begins by attacking with its Handling Screw ability, hammering its prey with unreasonable fees. The victim is stunned for 1-4 days (save vs. poison at -4 to avoid).
- After the victim is stunned, the Cougarrinard begins a loud, high-pitched screeching, known as the Feedback Whine, in an attempt to drain life from the victim. This attack can be negated if the prey leaves a Positive Feedback at the site of the auction. Caution should be used, however, as this serves to increase the Cougarrinard's permanent hit points by 1 for every Positive Feedback left.
-
- The last unique ability the creature possesses is the M-Bag Bash. This is used to obtain items for its auction traps. When the creature encounters an auction of size L or greater, it will seize it and attemt to steal it from its possessor using this ability. If it is successful, it breaks the auction into smaller portions, which it then uses to bait its traps.

:lol: :lol:
looks good deadlord! :D :D

ac6 = ac5 but not vgc as stated? ;)

  


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Post Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 11:00 pm 
 

I really enjoyed the previous ones.  Hope you don't mind if I try. Inspired by one of my favorites from Fiend Folio:

Coug Coug Zombie (Bidus Shillus)
Frequency: Rare
No. Appearing: 2-3
Armor Class: 9
Move: Stationary
Hit Dice: 1
% in Lair: Unknown
Treasure Type: None
No. of Attacks: 0
Damage/Attack: 0
Special Attacks: Auction Inflation, Shipping Misdirection, Summon Cougarrinard
Special Defenses: Make Feedback Private, Hide Identity, No Longer Registered User
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Non
Alignment: Neutral
Size: M
Psionic Ability: None
Attack/Defense Modes: Nil/Nil

The Coug Coug Zombie is a relatively new phenomenon first noted on the Prime Ebay Plane by the esteemed Cougologists Kosh Vorlontay and BClarkie. These poor, unfortunate creatures were first recognized on Ebay when they attempted to unload their vast D&D collections to the unwitting Acaeum masses. Quick thinking Vorlontay and Clarkie recognized something was cougy when the creatures displayed an almost contemptous lack of grammatical and capitalization skills. Not to mention that the creatures most prized positions never achieved an appraisal status of better than VGC.  While their exact origin, creation, and ultimate purpose remain a mystery, they are believed to be the unforutnate consequence of a C-Tard act of reproduction.  (See 'C-Tard' entry for more details.)  In the vernacular of the regions most vulnerable to the devestations of the C-Tard species, these creatures are known as 'LPF' or 'my mate in the States'.

Whether these beings act autonomously or under the direction of their progenitor, the Coug Coug Zombie's attacks can have devestating consequences for the uninformed.   Their primary attack is Shill, 15' Radius which is used to great effect by draining the financial resources of newbies at $1/turn.  Newbies who do not realize they are under the influence of this charm can quickly find their hard-earned wealth squandered on over-priced, D&D parphenalia which may or may not be delivered.  A secondary attack with equally destructive consequences is Shipping Misdirection.  In their never-ending quest to sate the C-Tards desire to be the biggest Ebay seller, the Coug Coug Zombie will bid on large lots of foodstuffs, usually 1st edition D&D with a sprig of 2nd edition for good measure.   The unwary victim will then be convinced by the Coug Coug Zombie to use a magical m-bag for shipment, eventually depriving the victim of both goods and monies.

When observed in the wild, these creatures display an impressive arsenal of defensive adaptations.  As with many creatures of darkness, these beasts will not reveal their true name unless bound in a magic circle or threatened by an Ebay customer service rep.  Invoking the name of 'C-Tard' in their presence, evokes the initial response of making their feedback private.  If this does not deter its enemies, then its final defense/attack response is to morph into a 'Not a Registered User' while summoning its parent C-Tard to email the Valuation Board.  Unfortunately, the Coug Coug Zombie has already drained its victims by this point and the Valuation Board must deal with the taint of another ad hominem attack on their character.  (The only known cure to remove this  C-Tard odor is bathing in tomato juice.)

According to Vorlontay and Clarkie, these beasts are best left to the experts and should be avoided at all costs.

  


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Post Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:36 pm 
 

Wonderful, Frank.  Just what I was hoping for.   :D  :D  :D


Let mirth prevail!

  

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Post Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:53 pm 
 

smarmy1 wrote:According to Vorlontay and Clarkie, these beasts are best left to the experts and should be avoided at all costs.


That's it...you used my handle name....I'm gonna sue ya now!  :lol:

Excellent undead addition to the MM pool


"Ah, you seek meaning? Then listen to the music, not the song."

"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

  

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Post Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 3:39 pm 
 

Creature Feature:

Art Historian (professio philologus dolor)
Frequency: Rare (Red States), Common (Blue States & Europe)
No. Appearing: 1-2
Armor Class: 10
Move: 1" normal (see special defenses)
Hit Dice: 1/2
% in Lair: 50%
Treasure Type: Varies
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: Insanity
Special Attacks: Babbling
Special Defenses: "Pass without Trace"
Magic Resistance:  Unknown
Intelligence:  High (unless fair-haired)
Alignment: Chaotic Good with Lawful Tendencies
Size: S-M
Psionic Ability:  Augury

Typically seen in its female form, these creatures are the bizarre offspring of insane, drunken baby-boomers (cf) who've exhausted every copper piece ever earned or collected.  The result of this unsightly union is a Druid-like humanoid with a delusional fixation on the vagaries of artistic expression.  The most common Art Historians are drawn to paintings, including baroque, cubism, expressionism, impressionism, realism, early Macedonian, Orphism (cf. orgasm), pluralism, surrealism and tachism.  Art Historians are also obsessed with other forms of artistic expression, including ceramics, pottery, sculptures, architecture, and orthodenture.

The Art Historian will possess extensive knowledge about the history of her own kingdom, and the history of "The Continent" in general.  Her opinions regarding the politics and geography of the various lands will be wide-ranging and completely contradictory.  Endowed with a vast vocabulary, she will speak Common, Elfish, Chaotic and Esperanto, at a minimum.  She will also be well-versed in an otherwise unknown tongue referred to as Latin.

The Art Historian will often be seen with 1-4 (d4) creatures that include relapsed hippies, elves, slackers, emos, sprites (cf) and bail bondsmen.  Aside from the Sprite, only the bail bondsman poses any sort of threat, usually by dagger.

The Art Historian exhibits astonishing resiliency in combat situations.  Anecdotes tell of Art Historians meandering peacefully through a melee of fasting barbarians and rabies-infected orcs.  In fact, the Art Historian can cast a "Pass without Trace" spell upon herself and her 1-4 followers once per day.  She was once described by the gods as a person "who walks about as though in a fog, while nothing untoward ever happens to threaten her."  Revitalization of her spell requires 8 hours rest, a cup of green tea, and a Vegan breakfast.  She can also identify plants, animals, and pure water as per a 3rd level druid.

The lair of the Art Historian may be a small shoppe located in an out-of-the-way alley in a large city, or in a small grove recently abandoned by elves.  The skillful PC may lure the Art Historian from her lair by reading from Gabriela Siracusano's El Poder de los colores. De lo material a lo simbólico en las prácticas culturales andinas, Siglos XVI-XVIII.  When recitation begins, the Art Historian will follow as if in a trance, leaving her lair open for plunder.

Treasure type is dependent upon the DM.  Some Art Historians have been known to possess pieces of art worth thousands of gold pieces.  Most, however, will only have a few silver pieces and a sentimental piece of art work in their possession: a common example of the latter is an ankh cross that would garner 1-10 gp at bazaar.

An Art Historian can be a unique, oracle-like source of knowledge for the adventurer seeking knowledge.  Her knowledge is gleaned directly from the ritualistic study of art.  The adventurer should be prepared to present a piece of artwork for her to "appraise" while she helps him solve his mystery.  However, the adventurer will immediately incur the wrath of the Art Historian should he present her with an art form she deems "unworthy".  Passions run deep among Art Historians for certain types of paintings.  Centuries ago, before the great war, a rogue fighter attempted to solicit an Art Historian's help by presenting her with an impressionist painting.  He suffered her most deadly form of attack: speech.

The Art Historian attacks by babbling quickly and incessantly.  The PC will be overwhelmed with a rapid-fire repetition of terms like composition, texture, proportion, balance, scale, contrast, stylistic category, iconography, and provenance.  Any PC subjected to such an attack must make a system shock survival roll in order to escape with his sanity intact.  Good-aligned Elves are immune to the Art Historian.

A common way to remove the threat posed by Art Historians is by turning, as per a cleric against the undead.  Fortunately, turning an Art Historian does not require a cleric.  On the downside, however, it does require possession of key artifacts, including -- but not limited to -- "artwork" by Norman Rockwell or Thomas Kinkade.  The most effective means, however, of turning an Art Historian, is paying her for the pizza.


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