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Post Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 2:58 am 
 

Please feel free to use this thread to comment on any creatures posted, or to post your own! I'll try to put up one every couple of weeks, if they go over well.

Creature Feature:


Ex-Wife (Tormentus Infinitus)
Frequency: Common (in industrialized nations)
No. Appearing: 1-4
Armor Class: 2
Move: 12"
Hit Dice: 5
% in Lair: 40%
Treasure Type: See below
No. of Attacks: 2
Damage/Attack: 1-8/1-8
Special Attacks: Bash the Ex
Special Defenses: The Restraining Order
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Varies (usually Average)
Alignment: See Below
Size: 10% S, 40% M, 50% L
Psionic Ability: See Below
   Attack/Defense Modes: Nil/Nil


Until recently, the Ex-Wife was a rare, solitary creature who was generally peaceful and non-threatening. The species has evolved, however, into one of the most feared races on Oerth. It flourishes in developed civilizations, protected by law in most societies.
The Ex-Wife begins its life cycle as an ordinary human female. At a random juncture, it acquires a mate, and over a period of 1-12 months transforms into a Wife. When a married male/female couple becomes separated by law, the female indergoes a second, immediate transformation into the Ex-Wife. When this occurs, there is a 10% chance that the Ex-Wife retains her former alignment and moves to a different location, usually very far away from the male. 90% of the time, however, a drastic change occurs. The Ex-Wife develops a second psyche, one which dominates every action. This personality is Lawful Evil, and filled with a burning hatred of the partner. No act, however irrational, is above the psyche, as long as it pertains to the partner. She will go to extreme lengths to perform any and all damaging actions against him. In order to pursue this goal, she acquires several abilities which can only be used against the male.
Within 1-4 weeks, 90% of Ex-Wives will join with others of their kind. This band of creatures, the Support Group, is a primary source of ideas and thoughts which the Ex-Wife will use in her quest to destroy the male.
Immediately after the separation, the Ex-Wife acquires the Split Resources ability. This potent ability allows her to consume 50-80% of the male's treasure immediately after separation. If the pair have offspring, she gains the Child Support ability, which allows her to siphon 1/3 of all future valuables acquired. 35% of the time, she will also gain the Alimony ability, which allows her to gain 20-50% of future treasure. These abilities are inherent and need not be invoked.
The Ex-Wife can attack with her claws, but almost always refrains from physical combat, preferring to rely on her special attack, Bash the Ex. This ability can be used around any creature, sentient or not, who has the capability to hear vocal sounds. The Ex-Wife will commence a cacophony of verbal abuse against the male, usually accompanied by sharp gestures and throwing of small objects. Gradually, all creatures in close association with her will become Lawful Evil with respect to the male, and will act accordingly. In addition, she can use the Come Bang Me ability at will. Through a series of verbal encouragements and physical gestures, she can attempt to sexually manipulate the male, who must make a saving throw vs. Spells at --4 to resist. Failure allows the Ex-Wife to mentally dominate the male for a period of 1-6 hours, during which she will engage in intercourse with him. She will then use this incident in future encounters to injure the male in any way possible.
Her defense is formidable. At will, she can cast The Restraining Order. This powerful shield extends 100' from the Ex-Wife, preventing him from physically entering the area. If necessary, she can use the ability to summon 1d4 Policemen, who will defend her vigorously, incarcerating the male 75% of the time.
The Ex-Wife retains the Read Mind ability (gained upon transformation into Wife), however it is only 50% effective, and can only be used against the male. Failure to Read Mind will cause her to fly into a mental frenzy, and she will accuse the male of the most damaging thoughts according to the situation.
It is interesting to note that 40% of Ex-Wives will lose 10d4 pounds of weight within months after creation.

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Post Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 8:09 am 
 

I dam near fell out of my chair laughing.

Oh man !!!  That is classic.  

The only thing left out is the affect the ex wife has on the male's future female partners.

Oh wow, my work mates are asking what is so funny that I'm laughing out loud.

  

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Post Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 8:26 am 
 

Definately worth inclusion in the Fiend's Folio. 8O

Martin

  


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Post Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:29 am 
 

Mother-In-Law (Tormentus Maximus)
Frequency:All-too-Common (in all nations)
No. Appearing: 1
Armor Class: -3
Move: 12"
Hit Dice: 12
% in Lair: 10%
Treasure Type: See below
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 3d6
Special Attacks: Demoralize
Special Defenses: Immune to all males
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Varies but always 2 points more than yours
Alignment: LE
Size: 99% Large 1% Very Large
Psionic Ability: See Below
Attack/Defense Modes: Nil/Nil

The mother-in-law is a truly fearsome creature. Reports of it's appearance vary but it's generally agreed by most men that most appear to be huge horned creatures that inspire fear in any and all men seeing them. Generally such creatures appear to be gated in from some lower plane when a man meets a very charming young lady and is introduced at some later date to this monster that she claims "is her mother, be nice".
All mother-in-laws radiate a permanent 10' radius of cause fear in any male. Any men within 50' suffer the following effects: Demoralize; May not drink any alcohol nor watch sport nor swear nor look at other women; Cause the affected male to behave as if under a Domination effect. There is no saving throw against these powers only moving to an area that has wards set around it to prevent such monsters entering is proof against them e.g. "the Pub". They may cast the following at will:  Withering Glance, Cause Mental Wounds, Detect Beer/Smoke/Lipstick on Son-In-Law, Silence 15' Radius. The is no Somantic or Material component for these spells but sometimes a muttering of "she can do better you know" can distantly be heard.
The Mother-in-law is armed with a +3 Heavy Handbag which also doubles as a Portable Hole. No mother-in-law has ever engaged in melee - the mere threat of it happening always enough to settle any disputes in her favour.
The Mother-in-law generally survives on a diet of store assistants, taxi drivers and government officials except when visiting her daughter at which point she consumes an almost unlimted amount of sherry, chocolates and deserts of all kinds. After an evening of consuming these items the Mother-in-law lapses into a strange sleep-like state which still allows her to hear both conversation and television channels being switched but at the same time allows her to break wind with impunity and without recourse.
Mother-in-laws are often accompanied by small demonic familiar usually taking the form of a small dog. This creature is CE and can use the follow abilites at will: Crap in corner, Hump leg, Bark in constant and annoying manner, Chew furniture, Vomit on kitchen floor. When using any of the above powers the beast is immune to any form of action that prevents these powers being used as the Mother-in-law uses the command "He's not like this at home, he's a darling aren't you? It must be you making him uncomfortable" Any and all blame for this creatures actions are a mans fault and should be treated as such.
Mother-in-laws appear to have no treasure type of their own despite the fact their house is "alot nicer than yours" and expect to be taken to nice resteraunts where the food is never good enough despite the fact the creature devours more than enough food to feed an army of Storm Giants. Your own treasure type is frequently called into question with remarks like "her last boyfriend earned more" and "shouldn't you be earning more at your age?"
Any attempts to exorcise the Mother-in-law result in the creation of an "Ex-Wife" (see above for details). Since rumours of Wifes of 25 levels or more exprerience metemorphosing into Mothers-in-law have become rife so has the creation of more Ex-Wives.

  


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Post Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:35 am 
 

Deadlord39 wrote:Ex-Wife (Tormentus Infinitus)
Frequency: Common (in industrialized nations)
No. Appearing: 1-4
Armor Class: 2
Move: 12"
Hit Dice: 5
% in Lair: 40%
Treasure Type: See below
No. of Attacks: 2
Damage/Attack: 1-8/1-8
Special Attacks: Bash the Ex
Special Defenses: The Restraining Order
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Varies (usually Average)
Alignment: See Below
Size: 10% S, 40% M, 50% L
Psionic Ability: See Below
   Attack/Defense Modes: Nil/Nil


Until recently, the Ex-Wife was a rare, solitary creature who was generally peaceful and non-threatening. The species has evolved, however, into one of the most feared races on Oerth. It flourishes in developed civilizations, protected by law in most societies.
The Ex-Wife begins its life cycle as an ordinary human female. At a random juncture, it acquires a mate, and over a period of 1-12 months transforms into a Wife. When a married male/female couple becomes separated by law, the female indergoes a second, immediate transformation into the Ex-Wife. When this occurs, there is a 10% chance that the Ex-Wife retains her former alignment and moves to a different location, usually very far away from the male. 90% of the time, however, a drastic change occurs. The Ex-Wife develops a second psyche, one which dominates every action. This personality is Lawful Evil, and filled with a burning hatred of the partner. No act, however irrational, is above the psyche, as long as it pertains to the partner. She will go to extreme lengths to perform any and all damaging actions against him. In order to pursue this goal, she acquires several abilities which can only be used against the male.
Within 1-4 weeks, 90% of Ex-Wives will join with others of their kind. This band of creatures, the Support Group, is a primary source of ideas and thoughts which the Ex-Wife will use in her quest to destroy the male.
Immediately after the separation, the Ex-Wife acquires the Split Resources ability. This potent ability allows her to consume 50-80% of the male's treasure immediately after separation. If the pair have offspring, she gains the Child Support ability, which allows her to siphon 1/3 of all future valuables acquired. 35% of the time, she will also gain the Alimony ability, which allows her to gain 20-50% of future treasure. These abilities are inherent and need not be invoked.
The Ex-Wife can attack with her claws, but almost always refrains from physical combat, preferring to rely on her special attack, Bash the Ex. This ability can be used around any creature, sentient or not, who has the capability to hear vocal sounds. The Ex-Wife will commence a cacophony of verbal abuse against the male, usually accompanied by sharp gestures and throwing of small objects. Gradually, all creatures in close association with her will become Lawful Evil with respect to the male, and will act accordingly. In addition, she can use the Come Bang Me ability at will. Through a series of verbal encouragements and physical gestures, she can attempt to sexually manipulate the male, who must make a saving throw vs. Spells at --4 to resist. Failure allows the Ex-Wife to mentally dominate the male for a period of 1-6 hours, during which she will engage in intercourse with him. She will then use this incident in future encounters to injure the male in any way possible.
Her defense is formidable. At will, she can cast The Restraining Order. This powerful shield extends 100' from the Ex-Wife, preventing him from physically entering the area. If necessary, she can use the ability to summon 1d4 Policemen, who will defend her vigorously, incarcerating the male 75% of the time.
The Ex-Wife retains the Read Mind ability (gained upon transformation into Wife), however it is only 50% effective, and can only be used against the male. Failure to Read Mind will cause her to fly into a mental frenzy, and she will accuse the male of the most damaging thoughts according to the situation.
It is interesting to note that 40% of Ex-Wives will lose 10d4 pounds of weight within months after creation.


:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Definitely wonderful
Frank, you're great!!  :D  :D  

Only a little problem: on the 3rd of June I'll get married.
I'm with my girlfriend since 1996 and until this morning I was very happy.
... but now I'm a little bit worried  :?  :?
who knows why!!  8)


... And thou, Melkor, shalt see that no theme may be played that hath not its uttermost source in me, nor can any alter the music in my despite ...

  


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Post Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:44 am 
 

Deadlord39 wrote:Special Attacks: Bash the Ex


In addition, it is rumored that the local Ex-Wives' guild in every settlement makes available to all members an artefact known as the Dagger of Emasculation.  When used in conjunction with the Come Bang Me ability, this fearsome weapon gains attack bonuses of +2 to hit and +5 to damage.


Very funny, Frank, and disturbingly accurate.

  

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Post Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 2:37 pm 
 

Ouch. Dagger of Emasculation.
I should say ahead of time that it is very possible that some of these creatures might be offensive to certain members. If you feel in any way offended by anything that is written...... too bad.

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Post Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 4:32 pm 
 

:lol:


"Surely you don't disbelieve the prophecies just because you had a hand in bringing them about?" J.R.R. Tolkien

  

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Post Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 9:53 am 
 

Ok, Xaxaxe:

Creature Feature:


Tonya Ass-Wop
Frequency: Unique
No. Appearing: 1
Armor Class: 4
Move: 12"
Hit Dice: 3
% in Lair: 0%
Treasure Type: See below
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 1-4
Special Attacks: Verbal Illusion
Special Defenses:
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Size: Probably XXL
Psionic Ability: Nil
  Attack/Defense Modes: Nil/Nil

The Tonya Ass-Wop can only be found in the country of eBay, where it stalks the Roleplaying Games category, laying cunningly hidden traps for unwary prey. There is little information on the appearance of the creature, but based on encounter descriptions from victims, it can be surmised that it is a hideous, overweight beast, with profuse facial and mammary hair and various warts covering its skin. The Tonya Ass-Wop's lair is strewn with 10-100 RPG items of average value, which it uses to bait its traps. There is a 5% chance that 1-2 Category 4 items will be present.
The Tonya Ass-Wop has several abilities to enable it to ensnare prey. In order to lure its victims, it uses the Post Auction ability. This creates a deadly trap for the Wop's favorite prey, unsuspecting Gamers. Victims must roll their Intelligence or lower on d20 to avoid a trap. Once the Gamer is caught, the Tonya Ass-Wop deploys its primary attack, the Ankle-Grabbing Shipping ability. This causes 1-8 points of damage per trap to the victim. The damage is cumulative (cannot be combined). Victims who survive the assault will be able to identify a Tonya Ass-Wop trap on sight, and thus avoid falling into it.
When attacked, the Tonya Ass-Wop is able to employ a myriad of defenses. Upon detecting an attack, the Tonya Ass-Wop will use its Whining Illusion ability. This ability creates the illusion of several assistants and helpers, which the Wop will use to deflect assaults. A save vs. Spells will successfully dispel the nonexistent creatures. If this occurs, it will invoke its Mental Bitch ability, which allows it to hurl insubstantial curses and threats at the attacker. If these are ignored, the Tonya Ass-Wop employs its final defense, the Negative Feedback ability. This causes the immediate loss of 1 point to the victim's Feedback statistic. This loss is permanent; the only known way to restore the lost point is to lick the Tonya Ass-Wop's brown onion vigorously, which results in a 50% chance that the Wop will restore the point.
Only one Tonya Ass-Wop is known to exist. It is not known whether or not it has the capability to reproduce.

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Post Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 10:10 am 
 

Deadlord39 wrote:the only known way to restore the lost point is to lick the Tonya Ass-Wop's brown onion vigorously


I need a shower now.  I feel dirty just from reading that.  :?

Only one Tonya Ass-Wop is known to exist. It is not known whether or not it has the capability to reproduce.


You should edit your post to say, "ability to reproduce is unknown.  No one has been able to get close enough due to the intense stench of the creature and the ability to turn those that gaze upon her vile visage to stone".  :wink:

  

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Post Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 11:20 am 
 

Deadlord39 wrote:Size: Probably XXL


LMAO :)

  

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Post Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 11:36 am 
 

During early courtship with my wife, she asked me during a meal to guess who her mother shared her birthday with.

"Guess who my mum shares her birthday with."
"Adolf Hitler", I snapped.

I was right. First time.

Spooky.


This week I've been mostly eating . . . minestrone soup.

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Post Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 1:22 pm 
 

Bizarre co-incidence...

I'm looking for a new place to move to and my girlfriend works for the local police and they have a good intranet with places to rent on it. So anyway my gf sends me a link to this nice place and asks if I want to go see it it looks ok so I agree. She sends me back a series of emails she's exchanged with the owner saying she's booked me in tuesday to see it. Great I'm thinking, housing situation sorted! It's not til I look at the name on the emails thatI realise the owner of the property rent is my ex-wife's mother!

Decided in the end I didn't want her a landlady as she'd double the rent specially for me :D

  


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Post Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 2:11 pm 
 

Threetard
Frequency: Common
No. Appearing: 4-400
Armor Class: 5
Move: 12"
Hit Dice: 1-1
% in Lair: 0%
Treasure Type: See below
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 1-3
Special Attacks: See Below
Special Defenses: See Below
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Semi-
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Size: M to L
Psionic Ability: See Below
 Attack/Defense Modes: Nil/Nil


The Threetards are a horde of rampant, yipping beasts found throughout hobby shops, gaming conventions and any other "gaming events".  Ranging in size from scrawny up to enormous girth (tending towards the latter).  While only "semi-" intelligent, when in a group they possess a sort of idiot-savant intellect based around a series of arcane formulae designed to mathematically simulate optimal combinations of spell-use, weapons attacks and other facets of table-top wargaming.  

The babble and drone of large (20+) groups of these creatures can act as a confusion spell.  Attempts to dispel this confusion by citing earlier rules-works can be met by their special defense, whereby they clap their hands over their ears and shout "LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOOOOOOOOUUUUUU".  This defense takes a more detailed form if one attempts to approach a Threetard on a one-on-one basis, but it is equally inane and typically is manifested by mere gainsaying of your argument, e.g., "Yes it is," "No it isn't" in response to counterpoints.

While usually in possession of entirely valueless, poorly written and bound tomes of "knowledge", older Threetards often possess great troves of wondrous items - and in this lies a tragedy as they either venerate the items and refuse to read them (as they can no longer understand what is written in them) or they regard the items as some sort of vindication of their behavior and warp and twist the original meaning as they incorporate it into their own terrible works.  Their "god", Shonkayrehnuldz (merely a large, old specimen of the entire subrace), is a prime example of this.

They never surprise, and indeed can be detected at ranges up to 120' (even in continual darkness) by their battle-cry of "Gygaxwuzahack!" or their rank odor.

Note that some Threetards actually believe themselves to have great mental prowess and can be found comically attempting to employ it.  While intially off-putting this display can be ignored.  Warning: a few examples believed themselves to be vampires before becoming Threetards.  Beware this subspecies.  While they aren't, and have no associated vampiric ability (level drain, spells, etc.) they are extremely annoying, even moreso than the standard type.

May be mistaken for 2einks (pron. twinks) due to several similarities in behavior.

  


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Post Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 2:35 pm 
 

Oh DD, you were doing so well until the last sentence.  :(

  


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Post Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 3:20 pm 
 

Varl wrote:Oh DD, you were doing so well until the last sentence.  :(

Yep.  The real reason most of use old schoolers hate d20 so much has nothing to do with the rules, the marketing, the players, or the artwork.  It's just that we have to be all cozy with the 2E folk now.  Edition wars will never be the same.  :cry:

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Post Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 7:16 pm 
 

God I think I am a Threetard.     :lol:

   I must be the eldest of all Threetards.....call me....."Threebeard."  :lol:

   We Threetards prefer the alternate name of our race:  Threeholders.

    "It takes a very long time to say anything in our language because we have to look everything up."

    We could make up some funny races like ODDlins or ODDbawlers or Firstneblins.  How about Firges or ODDzerkers?  Firstbolgs?  Firstardmen?

    The thing is, you First-o-trices wouldn't get the jokes because....(drum roll)....

   You...no...longer........play.   :(

    We threetards have been driven to our mass migrations by the absense of First Edition games to join.  Don't think we don't miss all of the old fiery arguments about every house rule designed to fix holes in the actual rules.  We used to love those. (How about Firstediots?  ODDbears?)   :wink:

    Actually, I have no idea why I agreed to abandon first edition and launch myself on the ODD-First-Second-Third-Third Again migration.  One of my longtime gamers has sworn that Fourth Edition shall be the end.  Like Ender's sister, he has decided to cease his immortal wanderings and die on his chosen homeworld.  He shall beach himself on the shore of 3.5 and swim no more.   :x

    ODDflayers?  Firstaberwocks?  Firstobgoblins?  Hippogriffirsts?  Griffirstins?  ODDelgangers?   :lol:

LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Mark   8)


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Post Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 3:30 pm 
 

Creature Feature:

Salvation Army

Frequency: Common
No. Appearing: 1
Armor Class: 0
Move: 12"
Hit Dice: 10
% in Lair: 100%
Treasure Type: See below
No. of Attacks: Special
Damage/Attack: Special
Special Attacks: Manipulate Media, Holy Crusade
Special Defenses: Summon Catholic Church
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: LG
Size: See below
Psionic Ability: Nil
Attack/Defense Modes: Nil/Nil  

The Salvation Army is a complex amalgamation of various organisms, which collectively work together to achieve its goals. Seemingly innocuous, it nevertheless has powerful abilities which it uses to great effect. Once it establishes a lair in a given area, it will use its power of Manipulate Media to advertise its location in order to attract prey. This ability affects all sentient creatures within a 10 mile radius. Creatures exposed to this ability must save vs. Spells or be compelled to bring offerings and sacrifices to the Army's lair. These offerings range in value from worthless to priceless. The Army stores these offerings in its lair. It will allow these items to be purchased by visiting creatures for 10 - 200% of actual value (1d20 x 10).
The Salvation Army destroying any items it feels are unclean or offensive by invoking its Holy Crusade ability. Items affected by Holy Crusade are not allowed a saving throw (artifacts and relics are immune to this effect). If it feels threatened in any way, it will activate its defensive power of Summon Catholic Church (statistics available later). The Catholic Church appears in 1d4 rounds, and will defend the Army vigorously.
The consequences of attacking or offending a Salvation Army can be devastating. Unless a saving throw vs. Spells is made (at -8), the attacker will be inflicted with a persistent curse, which will cause him or her to be recognized and reviled by individuals in the local community (50% chance per individual). In addition, the individual will be subject to random attacks by the Catholic Church, which will actively seek out the cursed character (20% chance per week).
There appears to be a symbiotic relationship between the Salvation Army and the Catholic Church. The Army does not store the profits of its sales in its lair; these are offered to the Catholic Church. It is unknown whether there are any further connections between the two.

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Post Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 7:37 pm 
 

I think the Salvation Army is a Protestant organization.  If you are thinking Catholic then you might be thinking of Saint Vincent DePaul stores.


"But I have watched the dragons come, fire-eyed, across the world."

  

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Post Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 8:01 pm 
 

They're all the same to me.

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